watched marty supreme recently. its brought forth a lot of thoughts about success, and my own feelings of inadequacy. i guess i feel like life is like running this race against everyone else. but sometimes it's like, i just feel so ugly, or unlikable, or dumb, or uncharming, that it's like, i've completely given up on winning the race.
maybe it's my way of self preservation or my pride protecting myself from disappointment. but because i've given up on winning the race, i've stopped competing altogether. and it's like i'm the only walking while everyone else keeps on running past me. and i guess i hope that eventually i'll find someone to walk the race with me, and maybe even forget about the race.
but even finding someone to walk together with feels so hard. sometimes i wonder if i should start running even though i know everyone else has a head start. i know i won't win but maybe it's better than coming in last.
maybe i should at least place in the race so i have something to show for it. its funny because i couldn't even truly tell you what the race is for.
is it for success?
are we competing for happiness?
as dumb as it sounds its like seeing my peers make strides towards these impressive achievements at such a young age makes the sense of competition feel all the more real. i look at all the other racers, with fancy shoes, and long legs made to run like gazelles, with beautiful athletic bodies, and they're all getting interviews with reporters, and its like, i'm the short-legged fat idiot who still hasn't tied my shoes.
so i suppose i'll just keep walking alone and watch as the other racers pass on by
o